why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
