She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
