He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
