i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
