I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
