I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
