Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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