y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize