Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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