All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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