it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
