i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
