I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
