if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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