Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
