i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
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