I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
