I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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