my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
