walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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