How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
