I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
