Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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