Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
