i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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