HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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