Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
