my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
