Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
