The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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