i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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