Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
