So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
