I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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