The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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