God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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