I cannot find my penis.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
