found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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