she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
