I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
