he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
