Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize