You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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