dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
