did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
