I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
