Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
