sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
