final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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