wanna go halves on a baby?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize