ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
