alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
