he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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