i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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