Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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