he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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