how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
