Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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