I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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