Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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