She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize