i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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